Unresponsive

Last night after dinner, I took the advice of a friend and asked M.

Anong plano mo sa akin? (I think I was being dramatic again pero life is too short)

Ayaw mo ba akong mag asawa? (Hmmm I was dreading this question, if I said No would M change plans?)

Kung mag aasawa ka, tayo pa rin ba? (Another question I hated to ask)

After some seconds of silence M asked “Kung mag aasawa ba ako, may magbabago sa atin? (I didnt know the answer)

I was thinking of a response. Wala akong maisip.

And may follow up question pa. “Sa palagay mo ba mali ang gagawin ko?” 

I just said what I thought was best to say. Sabi ko “We have our own lives to lead, do what you think is best and don’t worry about me. Nandito lang ako palagi.

I don’t know if I’m being stupid or a martyr pero all I know is our relationship has far exceeded beyond my expectations.  I never knew that this would happen, I never planned for this. This is one of those “I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there” types.  And although I know my fairy tale won’t have a happy ending, muy question is should I prolong the agony? I don’t want to end anything yet. I am not yet ready.

 

Old Habits Die Hard

I’m trying something else for a change.

I won’t call M. I will wait for M to call me.

I won’t nag to see M. I’ll wait for M to ask to see me.

I won’t be a drama queen. I’ll just be poker faced and suck it all in.

Wish me luck.

Why I haven’t been blogging?

Kahit nga ako tinatanong ko sarili kung baklit nga ba hindi ako nagba blog?

Well lets see, I’ve been away. I was on vacation in the Philippines where for the first time since I’ve been vacationing yearly I spent 90% of the time at home. Really.  Even I myself was surprised. I wanted to spend more time with my Mom – talking over coffee, lying down in bed with her, watching tv with her (kahit na naghihilik siya she swears she knows what’s going on sa pinapanood namin – akalain mo yon?) and cooking for her.

When I came back from vacation, medyo may kaguluhan sa lovelife. First of all M’s schedule was changed from mornings to nights kaya siyempre we wouldnt have time to see each other since when I was free M was working, and when M was free I was working. Kaya sa phone lang kami nagkakausap. Kahit madaling araw at mag ring ang phone ko, sinasagot ko pa rin. Rocky as it was, nag move up pa to the next level.  Unbelievable. But as my sister Kit always says “this too shall pass” and medyo nag improve na rin naman kahit kaunti.  I’ve proven to myself na patient na rin pala ako (yes dear mahaba na ang pasensya ko). Sometimes I really amaze myself.

Siguro to answer the question, why havent I been blogging.

Siya siya siya. Laziness.

THANKFUL FOR 2008 & HOPEFUL FOR 2009

 

Were almost about to say goodbye to 2008. And about to welcome 2009.

I have a lot to be thankful this year. I got a car, gifted myself with a new laptop and those are just the material stuff. Career wise was so so. Lovelife was booming this year I’m happy to update. Financially speaking, a little down maybe because of the fact that I took a loan to get the car, but on the other hand, super duper malaking pakinabang sa akin ang kotse – so kyems lang.

Tis the time to assess and reassess what good and bad and maybe ugly things I did during the year. I am proud to say that I still help out my Mom financially and it gives me pleasure to do so being physically absent I make up by trying to compensate financially. I can say that I was a good friend. But I have done my fair share of pagmamaldita too. As well as some not so wholesome deeds.

All in all, 2008 was good to me, some bumps here and there. But I survived.  Although I must admit, sometimes I seriously doubted that I would. But I’m still here aren’t  I?

Thank God.

Resolutions? I promise I will be skinnier next year. Yun lang.

I’m more excited and looking forward to 2009 as M and I have a lot of plans.

Im Almost Home

I’m going home to the Philippine Islands once again.

But this time I’m not excited. I’m happy to see my family once again but the expenses there is something I am not looking forward to. Contrary to popular notion, OFWs like myself sometimes have a hard time going home. The expenses back home sometimes is just so overwhelming and since were home and not working, lahat ng pera palabas at walang papasok.

But apart from that, masaya ako na makakauwi, and I will be attending M’s son’s 2nd birthday party. Excited ako to meet his family at dadalhin ko na rin Mommy ko dahil baka lang naman puwede na siyang mamanhikan? Chos! Ofcourse, happy din ako to spend my birthday with my Mom and brother.

I hope to see my friends too. And maybe just maybe try to enjoy.

Six Inspirational Quotes to Live by

1. Lahat ng Problema may solusyon, kung walang solusyon, wag mo na problemahin.

2. Always remember, kung kaya ng iba, ipagawa mo sa kanila. Don’t force yourself, make life easier.

3. Hindi lahat ng guwapo may girlfriend …. ang iba sa kanila may boyfriend.

4. Dont face your problem if your problem is your face. ….. umiwas sa lahat ng bagay na nakakaaninag — salamin, microwave oven, stainless steel na kaldero, kutsara, tinidor, magpokus sa mga letra kapag nasa harap ng computer screen.

5. Di bale nang tamad, di naman pagod.

6. Practice makes perfect but nobody’s perfect so dont practice.

 

Silliness just takes over me whenever I am depressed.

What is Happening?

I’m confused.

Recent turn of events have left me feeling confused.

Yesterday, my Boss told me that I was needed again at the Counter Reservations to handle Holidays. The higher ups were pressuring him to pull me out of my present seat As Personal Assistant to come back to Counter again. Since, I had no other choice but to accept – I sucked in every ounce of self respect I had and accepted.  It was just silly that whenever I would get cozy at whenerever I was working, I was yanked out of it. Ugh!

And today, after dinner with M, we just cuddled and M just blurted out “Dito ka matulog”. I slept there the night before and rationalized that I was not going to sleep there two nights in a row. And I wanted to sleep in my own bed. I also needed to copy Gossip Girl Season 1 to DVD after downloading it.  I replied “Sa bahay ko muna ako matutulog”. M sked why? And I gave him my answer.  To make the long story short, M got mad that I wasn’t going to sleep there. I left and went home. While driving home, I got a text from M, nangongonsensya na pauwi na raw siya and I wont spend time there, M said that I didnt mention any valid reason for me to go home. So – I went back.

When I got to M’s room, after opening the door nagsimula na. Well I wont share our conversation in verbatim anymore, but it seems that M is paranoid about me not sleeping there. M said that I should just go home. And since I didn’t see any point in staying. I left.

When I got home, as I was typing this, I got a text again from M.  In so many words M was thinking that I had a rendezvous with someone else which is totally impossible, silly and just plain funny. But I was not laughing.  This was no joke.

What is happening?

Expectations

I don’t expect much.

Iyan ang matalinhagang Opening Line ko kagabi habang seryosong magkausap kami ni M.

Uuwi ako for vacation, pero mauuna siya. Two months ang vacation niya, ako one month lang pero mag aabot kami sa Pinas, and were taking the same flight back.

I don’t expect calls.

I don’t expect texts.

I don’t expect dates.

I don’t expect out of town trips.

I’m too old and too disillusioned.

I don’t want to be selfish.

And I guess too experienced also to know the harsh reality.

May standing invitation na siya sa birthday ng anak niya and ilang beses na rin niya ako niremind sa akin na dapat pumunta ako at dalhan ko raw ng regalo ang bata. Hindi niya daw ako kailangang paalalahanan pa. naisip ko nga, ano kaya pumunta ako doon na fully made up and wearing one of my Mom’s sequined dresses at sige dagdagan pa natin ng wig – ano kaya ang impact nun? (silly fantasy lang – I wont do do it, hindi ko kaya)

Invited din sana ako sa kasal ng ate niya. Ininvite ako ni M pati ng father niya, but I wont be able to make it kasi hindi pa ako makakauwi ng ganung kaaga. Balak ko pa naman sanang talbugan ang bride sa haba ng veil na isusuot ko. Sayang.

But this defense mechanism would probably work for me. Expect less, and I’ll be less disappointed.

Pero I am hopeful. Iba naman ang hope sa expectations.

Hoping na ipakilala niya ako sa mga anak niya.

Hoping na ipakilala niya ako sa Mom niya.

Hoping na hindi niya itutuloy ang threat niya na isasama niya ako sa girlie bar.

I’m Back

I’m back.

No Marching Band playing, no confetti falling from the sky, no applause. Just plain and simple. I’m back.

The only explanation for my absencfe? I moved from my former office to another office. And at the new office, I did not have an Internet Connection. I still don’t have an Internet Connection at work, but I now have an Internet Connection at home so I am connected again.

So much has happened, so many changes – some good and others not so good. First of all, I now have a car, its not a brand new car but it works well and looks good enough. Second, I work in a new office again where I am the only Filipino amongst Sri Lankans. Third, my new laptop that needs new programs. Fourth, well my lovelife now is so so so so much better – but that’s entirely another topic.

Rewind.

I came back to Alkhobar last March 2008 from vacation to find that my formwer office has already been closed. It wasn’t a surprise for me anymore since we all knew it was going to close. So I was trasnferred to Sri Lankan Airlines where I was assigned to the counter reservations for at least six months, after which the Personal Assistant to the Manager resigned and they asked me to replace him since I had the experience. So that is where I am now.

I missed blogging. I know I am rusty and feel like I am new at this again. So many changes, so many blogs to see. So many blogs to see and comment. And i feel like I dont make sense anymore.

Fast Forward.

I still live in the same flat. My flatmate Eric has left for vacation and didn’t come back so now I live with my former flatmate again. I just had my Leave Application approved and signed. I am going home for vacation again on January 1, 2009. I have a new Boss as well, the former manager finished his tenure so the new Manager came.

My apologies to everybody who missed me.

EVENTFUL SATURDAY

Saturdays are usually slow and uneventful for me. They mean the beginning of another workweek for us in the Middle East. Another day at the office. But yesterday was eventful. But before that I had friends from Riyadh come for a visit last Wednesday night, I had no time to cook so I just ordered a Super Large Sweet & Sour Lapu Lapu from the nearest Restaurant in my house and cooked rice. Thursday lunch in Phuket Restaurant was also a treat since I brought Friendship Rob and his schoolmates Emir and Randy together. Friday Lunch Despedida was also fun but a little tiring since I was up till 12 midnight the night before boiling the meat for the sinigang. They enjoyed the sinigang but reviews of my chicken adobo kept on coming.

And now that the weekend was over, lets move on to Saturday. Well early morning Saturday, I was already trying avoid an argument with an agent on the phone. I gave him the necessary information he needed for some hotels but he kept asking silly questions that I did not have time for. I told him to do his homework and not rely on me alone since our Department was closing and he needed to prepare himself for that. I sensed that he was gearing up for an argument as most Indians enjoy debates, so I told him I don’t have time for silly arguments, if he needed to know more, he should check himself. And besides my Access was already limited since I was doing clearance already as preparation for my vacation. And I cut the line. Oh what a way to start the day.

I had Banking Problems as well. I sent money through a remittance center here a week ago and have been checking my account through the Internet every day since then but the money hasn’t arrived in my account yet? Crap! I checked with the Bank here and they said there was a Name Discrepancy. What name discrepancy? I’ve used the same name as before and I send money to the same account every month? Well anyway, they said they were going to follow up but it would start only on Monday since Saturday and Sunday was not a Banking Day in Manila. And that I would know on Tuesday. But my flight is on Wednesday !!! And I need to solve the problem sooner. But I had no choice.  So walkout ako sa bank.

While I was on the bank, M was calling. I said I would call back since I was trying to sort out the bank issue. So I called back. M asked if I would like to come to their house. The idea was a welcome ending to a stressful day. So I bought pizza and brought it to their house. When I arrived, M, Roommate and a colleague was there. I offered them all pizzas. We ate and watched TV. I was a little bit silent and awkward and M was gave me the eye, nudged me and asked why I was quiet. After the pizza was consumed, colleague finally left. Jeez, finally! Well the truth was I was already felt at home with Roommate, but colleague was a stranger to me. So now I can move freely and less guarded.

We had drinks, and watched One More Chance. Afterwards they put on Videoke. M sang beautifully – off key. M said that I should just sleep over. But I didn’t want to since I had to wake up early the next day and I wanted to sleep in my bed. I declined his offer and went home.

I slept with a smile plastered on my face.